October 31, 2018
As I was realizing I was soon to be 30 I couldn’t help to think that I had already lived a third of my life and still haven’t been able to accomplish none of what society expected me to have by then.
Such things like a successful career, maybe getting my own place or being married. Some might even be able to say having kids too. And still I could not feel that I was ready for those things.
For the last 3 years of my life I felt like I had “wasted” my time traveling, exploring and studying. Like I was still “preparing” myself for life. What was I really preparing myself for? Or even more accurate would have been to ask: Why was I thinking I was preparing myself for? Wasn’t I living already? Was I inside a mind-concept of some sort of limbo in which I was no longer a child but not yet an “adult”? And what was being an adult anyway? As such standards made by society would change from country to country.
If I have learned something while traveling was that the meaning of being a good or a successful person and the things we feel shame and pride for would change from culture to culture. Maybe that was the greatest lesson I have learned so far these years. That there was not such thing as categorizing a decision as either wrong or right. Or such a thing as a right way to live. Things were subjective depending on what we valued, on the things we were taught were important.
Still I could feel inside of me restlessness, as I tried to uncover my own set of values. “Is this acceptance some sort of depression or was it a form of bliss?” I asked myself. And I could not tell anymore. I only knew that the things I thought were important in the past had change. And although I acknowledged that, I felt I was behind the yardstick. Or just “late”. And I would asked myself constantly: “Is there a place I’m suppose to get?”, “When is this getting over?”.
I was feeling too uncertain until I asked my dad one day, anxiously: “Dad, which way I’m supposed to go? Am I behind? Am I progressing too slow in life? Because I am unsure…”
To which he simply replied: “None of that matters…as long as you keep moving.”